Those Crazy Liberals...

THIS NEVER GETS OLD:


The Liberal Ten Commandments of How to Argue

I. Be creative with the facts. Facts are fungible. Don’t be afraid to twist, ignore or make up facts, if necessary. Never let the facts get in the way of winning the argument—the ends justify the means.

II. Avoid arguments that you can’t win. Some conservatives are just too intelligent to argue with—e.g., John Doe—avoid arguing with them like the plague.

III. Be creative about giving credit or blame. Be vague with cause and effect, but make it appear that anything good that happens while a Dem is President or anything bad while a Puke is President was caused to happen by that President. Examples? The economy began tanking while GWB was President—so claim vaguely that it occurred “on his watch.” Uncle Joe died during his term? GWB caused it. Dotcom bubble occurred during Bubba’s term? He gets the credit. Dotcom bubble burst during Bubba’s term? It burst because Bubba was leaving office and GWB was coming! See how easy this is?

IV. Repeat lies repeatedly. The more outrageous the better. Bush lied, troops died [don’t get bogged down in defending our own people who said the same things.] Palin is dumb. McCain is Bush II. You get the idea. Lie lie lie! It works.

V. Run in packs. Get your buddies to pile on your opponent. Strength in numbers. The more the merrier. Claim victory, over and over and over again. It makes it appear that you are winning if all your buddies pile on and cheerlead for you. (Lowell Fulk is especially adept at utilizing this Commandment).

VI. Avoid using logic. Stick to appeals to emotion. Logic won’t convince liberals or others who are considering becoming liberals. And our positions aren’t based on logic. Avoid logic like the plague.

VII. “Meghan’s Law” (added in response to Matt’s comment). When your opponent is winning the argument, pick up on some little point that they made and whine about it being a personal attack (or anything else that can distract from the conversation and instead twist the conversation around to some topic where you might stand a chance). Examples? You called me “fat” (even if they didn’t really) or “that sounds like a racist/homophobic/mysogenist/[insert some big word here]” and attack the person instead. You know that is where liberals excel, attacking the messenger. Named in honor of Meghan McCain. True, some might argue that this is merely a variation of Commandment X, but really, it is a clever way to actually misconstrue what your opponent says, make it sound like they said something, and then you can launch into personal attack mode yourself while claiming to be the victim. It is a less ham-handed approach to get to Commandment X than to just launch directly into name-calling.

VIII. Attack the intelligence of your opponents. Sarah Palin is just the latest in our long line of using this attack. GWB, Dan Quayle, Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, even war hero Eisenhower, hell, we even used that old line on Lincoln—we called him a monkey.

IX. Claim the high ground. Any possible high ground, by creating so-called noble reasons why our position is correct and the other side’s position is wrong. Examples? It’s not murder, it’s about freedom of choice, and those opposing abortion are trying to use government to tell women what they can do with their own bodies. Gay marriage is not about morality, it’s about giving gays equal rights to marry. Who can be against freedom and equal rights? When we protest, call it our Patriotic duty; when they protest Obama, call it un-American. When we dissent, it’s because we are bound by a sacred duty to stop the Republicans from steamrolling us; when they dissent, they are partisan hack obstructionists.

X. Call your opponents names. Never let a day go by without calling a conservative or a Republican a Nazi, a fascist, a Neanderthal, a bigot (a narrow-minded bigot is even better!), a knuckle-dragger, a misogynist, a hypocrite, or similar term. They will spend all their time defending themselves instead of ripping our positions to shreds. Last but not least, if you find yourself losing the argument with a conservative, never hesitate to call them a racist.

[Remember, children: It isn't cowardly to avoid a fight you can't win. And it is a crime to lose an argument that you could have won if only you would have used one or more of these Commandments. Now resume Mau-Mauing!]